I just got a 6 today for an assignment that I thought I did quite well. Well… apparently not! Looking at the other grades the teacher gave to the other students, I ended feeling like I was not good enough for anything. I know this is like only one grade for an assignment that I didn’t really worked that hard for after all (an excuse for me not to accept that I simply was not capable of doing a good job). I guess the worst thing was that the really high grades were from people I knew. And then comes what we all do, we compare ourselves to the people around us.
My astrological sign is Virgo, so according to it, I’m really critical about everything, especially of my self. I’m sure there are many people like me. You know you cannot be perfect and you keep telling yourself that, especially during those times when things didn’t turned out the way you wanted. You know those situations where one of the people at your work for example doesn’t like you that much. You keep telling yourself: ‘ well it’s impossible for everybody to like you. If you like me great, if you don’t, hey that’s me, I cannot change anyway’. You keep telling yourself that kind of stuff but deep down you do want everybody to like you, and to respect you, to think you are funny, great, and nice. You keep striving for perfection. You want to be one of those people that have everything. An A-student a great social life with a great boyfriend, a resume full of achievements and they somehow still manage to look wonderful and just radiate happiness. That’s what society and I admire. That’s what perfection is in society’s eyes. And you want to be that person, because somehow you were brained washed by society’s view.
Let me explain what I mean by brained washed. Society makes you believe that that’s what you want to be, while it is not what you really want. What you really want is to be perfect in the eyes of others. Well maybe we do not want to be perfect, but we do want others to think highly of ourselves, or what is worst is that we need to think highly of ourselves in order to be satisfied and happy with ourselves. And in order to achieve that you need to fit into their ‘perfection’ box description.
All what I want is actually nothing. I just want to have an easy lazy life. Go out with my friends, watch my favorite shows and go traveling. I do not really want to be this perfect student, have this great career and save the world. But if I stick to those things that I want, I will feel worthless. Society says that accomplishments are good! That’s why I work my ass of everyday studying, working to achieve these accomplishments that I do not really REALLY want. So I concluded for myself that I will not be happy if I work towards these achievements, let’s face it, nobody wants to work their butt off 12 hours a day. So the choice is easy right? Just live that lazy life you want, but NO, my self-destructive critical side has to come out. If I don’t get some of those achievements I won’t be happy either. I would pity myself the whole day and keep feeling inferior to others. Not that I don’t do that now even with all my ‘achievements’. I work my butt off every day even to be more perfect.
The worst thing is that you will never be totally happy even when you have reached perfection, because there will be always someone better than you, more beautiful, and more intelligent than you. But if you give up the fight for perfection and live that easy life you want, you won’t feel fulfilled. It’s a no-way- good end dilemma. Well yeah no body said that happiness was easy. Let’s hope that I’ll find happiness and satisfaction in my journey to myself and laugh about this article in 10 years.